When I grow up...

"When I grow up I want to be an astronaut!"

Or at least that's what I thought when I was in grade school. That was my answer to the big life question that we were already supposed to have the answer to... at age six. Since birth maybe. I remember it now; coming out of mom, seeing the world for the first time, and thinking, "this is alright but I want to go up into space!"

A few years later I had to get glasses, big nerdy blue frames. My dreams of being an astronaut were shattered. All was still well, I was going to be a professional soccer player! In High School I tore my ACL and had to have surgery, another dream shattered... well... actually I am not sure I was really ever good enough anyway so really it just gave me a valid excuse for why I couldn't make it.

Somewhere along the line my High School Calculus teacher caught me drawing in class. Despite the fact that it was a pretty true to life picture of her, glasses and wrinkles included, she seemed quite impressed and began to put my artistic talents to use. Long story short I ended up an Architectural Engineer and I started my real job in the real world.

Sure, I took pictures even then... but mostly of cracks in concrete and water damaged wood. I started trying to think of a more interesting way to capture cracks, a way to get better light or more variety. But all the cracks started to run together. It was then that I realized something...

No, it's not what you might think. I had no idea I wanted to be a photographer. What I realized was that I was bored. So I did what any rational person would do. I quit my job. It really wasn't as simple as that, but for times sake let's say it was!

For the first time in my life, I suddenly had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was refreshing! I knew I wanted to work with people and that I wanted to make them happy... but that was as far as I got. Luckily I had some things to keep me busy, I had a wedding to plan. But one can only plan their wedding once and then they need to get a job.

A couple of photography related things happened...
We hated didn't like our wedding photographer. Our fault, we knew better. We gave matted 8x10s as wedding favors to our guests. They were pictures Marc and I took, but mostly Marc. People loved it, they even fought over them! Suddenly I saw it, a way to make people happy! And once we were married, "what's mine is yours, right honey?" So I used Marcs talent to build a business and now... here I am! Brenda Bergreen of Bergreen Photography, a husband and wife photography team!

And once again I know what I want to be when I grow up...
HAPPY!

Sequoia National Park Yoga

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.

-Rilke

I just returned from a backpacking trip in Sequoia National Park . I was so busy hiking and taking pictures that I didn't get to write in my journal. Typically the wilderness helps me clear my head and find inspiration. I think it still did both but I do not have any insightful words to share. Pictures on the other hand... I have tons of pictures! 

While hiking I go through phases ranging from "I love this" to "my feet hurt" to "what was I thinking" back to "ahh beauty." I sometimes get frustrated with myself for not being able to move past those thoughts and feelings of frustration that come with hiking long distances or steep climbs. But then again, if it was easy...

Stress 101

Trained as an engineer, I often seek outlets for the "softer skills" of life with desperation. I feel a need for teamwork, healthy communication, and empathy. Maybe it is a result of living the "little sister" role or perhaps my thin skin... but either way I think that we study hard on a lot of subjects but neglect some of the most important things in life. Where do we learn how to have a healthy relationship? What class is it that teaches us how to manage stress, emotions, and dealing with bullies? I feel like I was fortunate enough to have some amazing mentors in my life. However, I sit here able to solve complicated mathematical equations but am unable to figure out why certain people push my buttons...
Insert Yoga.

I wanted a share a little excerpt from The Science of Yoga.

"What ever happened to mental hygiene?" he asked rhetorically. "It doesn't exist- and never did. When you went through high school, you were never taught how to deal with stress, how to deal with trauma, how to deal with tension and anxiety- with the whole list of mood impairments. There's no preventative maintenance. We know how to prevent cavities. But we don't teach children how to be resilient, how to cope with stress on a daily basis.

Love and do what you will...

I am going to re-post the same picture from the last blog...
Simply because "love" keeps turning up. All my "yoga" and "life" books and thoughts and things keep coming back to this theme of love. That's kind of why I haven't posted in awhile. I have nothing new to say...
 But hey, if I have to be constantly reminded of something... there could be worse things!

Love, because it is the only true adventure.
New addition, "Love and do what you will." What will you do if your foundation is love?

"Dilige, et quod vis fac."  
"Love and do what you will."
St Augustine on 1 John 4:7–8

"Love, and do what you will: whether you hold your peace, through love hold your peace; whether you cry out, through love cry out; whether you correct, through love correct; whether you spare, through love do you spare: let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is good."

The "root" of love... what will grow? Planting seeds...
Just in case you are a fan of St. Augustine, here are a few more of his famous quotes to ponder...

"Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient and ever new! Late have I loved you! And, behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, and there I searched for you."

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you."

"Patience is the companion of wisdom."

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

Yoga for Spring Cleaning!

We went to visit my mom to help her with some house cleaning. Not your typical broom and dustpan type cleaning but the complete overhaul of a house that our family lived in for 20 years! It was emotional tug-o-war as we tried to figure out what we "needed" vs. what we "wanted" vs. what we were attached to because of the memories associated with it.

"It's just stuff." The stuff is not the same thing as the memories. But that association is strong and hard to detach from.

I will say this, my mom did an amazing job letting go of a lot of stuff. The local GoodWill is now newly stocked with truckloads of stuff. It seems like mom is even almost ready to let go of the house. It's crazy to see the home I grew up in look completely different and to recognize that "it's just a house." When does a house become a home and when does it go back to being just a house?!

It's not the mess, the stuff, the full house, that is the problem... but rather what it represents. We hold on so tight to things that at one time were so important to us, we need to remember to let those things serve their purpose and then let go of them so that we are able to move forward. Marc and I made the trip because we didn't want to be the reason that she had to hold onto the house. The house should not be a storage unit for my stuff. The grandkids will visit grandma even if she doesn't live in the house that we grew up in.

We need to remember to de-clutter our "stuff" as well as our minds and hearts in order to make room for growth.We want to grow and become better people but we are unwilling to let go of old habits. Hmmmm?

Self-ology

I find myself on a soapbox once in awhile regarding what is important for us to learn... 

In school, I'm not sure I had a singular favorite subject... I loved them all (I know... nerd!)

It is interesting to look back on my few or many years (depending on who you are) and think about what are the most important things that I have learned. 

I'll fast-forward to my conclusion..

 I wish that I would have learned more about "me." I think that when we go through changes, challenges, and choices in life it seems that it would be nice to know more about ourselves. Our minds, bodies, hearts, spirits. Our emotions, reactions, strengths, and weaknesses. Our likes and dislikes, our pleasures and fears. Our beliefs and morals.

I graduated with a BS in engineering and what I have found most useful in the "real world" is surely not calculations and solutions. No... what I have found most useful is conversations and friendships that have led me to understand myself better. People that encouraged me to follow my dreams and trust myself. People that encourage me to live passionately. THANKS to those people.

So, I did a little internet searching and have some quotes and inspirations on the subject below.

The secret of success is concentrating interest in life, interest in sports and good times, interest in your studies, interest in your fellow students, interest in the small things of nature, insects, birds, flowers, leaves, etc. In other words to be fully awake to everything about you & the more you learn the more you can appreciate & get a full measure of joy & happiness out of life. I do not think a young fellow should be too serious, he should be full of the Dickens some times to create a balance.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/02/02/jackson-pollock-father-letter/

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  ~Henry David Thoreau, 1854

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
Aristotle (384 BCE - 322 BCE) quotation

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.  ~John Muir, 

I think I can I think I can...

In climbing there is a lot of mental challenges... in fact, even though climbers are generally pretty strong physically, what sets a good climber apart from an average climber is their ability to control their mind. (Yay Yoga!) Of course, it is a daily practice jut like yoga. Perhaps some people are naturally clear headed, but for most of us each day is a new challenge. Each climb is a new quest. Success is not necessarily easily determined. It is not always about the summit or even the completion of a climb, sometimes its about the lessons learned. Lessons about what we are capable of, lessons about climbing technique perhaps, lessons about what our thoughts do when we are under stress... I think that is an interesting effort in self-study. When I am scared and hanging by a fingernail on the edge of a cliff, what am I telling myself? Is it "I can do this?" Or is it "I can't?"

Ok, I'll admit... my self-talk sucks sometimes! I got down off of my first lead in a long time and while I felt good from the successful climb, I noticed that I hadn't done myself any favors. Luckily for me, (or not) I happen to talk to myself out loud while I climb... so I have witnesses! Maybe that will help hold me accountable! 

We think of a lot of excuses: I haven't done this in awhile, I am out of shape, I have the wrong pants, it's too hot, my feet hurt.... can I add "AND I can do it despite all that!" After all, I just did. Take one moment to stop making excuses and just climb.

Growing up?

"Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas."
Paula Poundstone

I think a lot about who I am, what I am supposed to be or do, how I am supposed to use my gifts. On one hand it's good that I want to serve and make my life have meaning. On the other hand, this "identity crisis" doesn't help my state of being. Am I to be defined by what I do or my success? In High School, I was excited to move on to college. In college I couldn't wait to get to the "real world." I remember thinking how wonderful it was going to be when there was nothing I was "supposed to do" any more. I remember thinking I would love the freedom of choosing my future... being grown up... the unknown is a lot more daunting than I expected!

But worrying about it takes the fun out of life, why can't this just be another one of my adventures?

Handstands

Sometimes being upside down is the best way to see things right side up.

In the practice of understanding myself there are some things that remind me of the importance of not neglecting all the different elements or aspects of my life. If I exercise, but fail to eat correctly... if I take care of my body but not my mind... if I take care of my mind but not my spirit... well, you get the idea. 

It's like the various dimensions of hand-standing. If I have been maintaining the flexibility of my hamstrings and the strength of my core, I can get up gracefully but can hardly stay up. If I focus on the strength of my arms... I can stand for longer but I need the support of a wall if I've neglected my core.

Thus... we practice and try to remember balance in our lives. Sometimes that means flipping over to see things from a different perspective. 

Inspiration

Sometimes I have a hard time describing how I feel about life. Perhaps more specifically, life's purpose. Perhaps more honestly... my purpose. I have had a few moments in my life when I have felt inspired if not intimately connected to the world as a whole. Such moments give me faith and joy. The feeling that begins to control me sparks a creativity beyond what I would expect to be capable of. I have written or designed things that when I look back at them I cannot recognize the author. There is a happiness that is undeniable and unshakable. It is a stark contrast to the more typical moment during which I have to make a decision to smile or put effort into my good mood. I aspire and dream to create a life where such moments begin to dominate my existence. Perhaps then I would fail to appreciate the beauty and magic, though I have a feeling that it would be impossible for me to disrespect the purity of the gift.


Instead I am constantly seeking, striving, and aspiring to catch only just another glimpse of divine influence. In my pursuit, I forget to enjoy life and as my shoulders hike up around my neck the poison of stress creeps into my body. Stress that I am in a fortunate enough position to try to avoid. Stress that for some reason I allow into my body and mind. Stress that then takes hours of yoga to attempt to remedy... 


It is such thoughts that discourage me and make my yoga practice seem so daunting. How can I possibly spend a little moment of time every single day focusing on myself? How can I possibly invest effort in paying attention to the food I eat and the sleep I get? Hmmm... how can I not? But although I tease, I tend to take myself too seriously. It's been an effort of mine recently to not take myself so seriously.Maybe I don't have to be inspired every moment of every day. Maybe I can just have a little fun now and then, waiting for my moments to come and go like the waves always tend to.




When I can't find words to describe how I feel... I should just let others describe it for me!!!

Mickey Smith's "Dark Side of the Lens," 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1swPZzxv0tI

I never set out to become anything in particular, only to live creatively and push the scope of my experience for adventure and for passion... This is where my heart beats hardest... I want to document it in the way I see it in my head and feel it in the sea...


I never want to take this for granted so I try to keep motivation simple, real, and positive. 


If I only scrape a living at least its a living worth scraping. 


If there is no future in it, at least its a present worth remembering. 


For fires of happiness and waves of gratitude, for everything that brought us to that point on earth in that point in time, to do something worth remembering with a photograph or a scar. I feel genuinely lucky to -hand on heart- say I love doing what I do. And though I may never be a rich man, if I live long enough I'll certainly have a tale or two for the nephews, and I dig the thought of that.

Goals

There isn't a fix it or even a skillful word to express,

Only a realization it's ok to have a mess.

-Daddy Fez

It's only recently 2012 and I've been reading a lot a blogs lately... can you guess what I've been hearing?
Goals. People that are setting them and people that are boycotting them.
Both options are so well defended that I am at a loss for what to do. Therefore, Goal Number 1: Decide whether or not to set goals.

If I am going to set goals, the most important thing is to discover what it would take to achieve them!

My dad, who has always been an inspiration to me has been recently giving me advice and motivating words. Don't worry, there's none of that "I want to poke my eye out with all of this positive thinking bullshit." No, no, he's much more real than that. One of his recent stories concluded with a choice between ice cream or shit. My dad is blunt, crass, passionate, and inspiring.

I don't always (ever) share some of my more personal writings but I thought I'd share a little ditty that I wrote for my dad many many many years ago. I think its important to remember the people that help us with our goals. I realize that a lot of times people set goals and fail to reach them. I wonder if we were to look at what such people had in common if we would see that they had help, support, and love.

Breathing

Waiting up for me

To make sure I’m ok

Never meant more

Than it does to me today

When I am alone

Every time I struggle

You are always there

To get me out of trouble

No one cares as much

Nothing quite compares

To your gentle touch

You always understand me

Even when I don’t

When everyone is leaving

I always know you won’t

You take such great joy

In brushing through my hair

Oh the look on your face

When you don’t like what I wear

Like pieces of a puzzle

Like filling in pies

Like seashells on the seashore

Like the depth of your eyes

When wind flows fierce

Some trees fall

When all is knocked down

Some stand tall

No crease can ever matter

Scars important to remember

Each piece and part

Never ceases to exist

Each piece each part

Made solid with a kiss

Never settle for the best

When something might be better

That’s what you always taught me

And it’s for us both to learn

When there’s something missing

And we’re unsure where to look

Look in me, I’ll look in you

And we’ll only see what’s true

My mind always questions

Where others like me are

Sonewhere there’s an answer

Take me to the stars

I need only look behind me

Or to the side, in front

Everywhere around me

I feel your endless love

Sheltering and guiding

While only still learning

When my heart’s on fire

Yours too is burning

I don’t know how to tell you

That everything’s just right

I don’t know how to protect you

Tell you I love you tonight

Wish I could just hold you

Like a child in my arms

How perfect would that be

To pay you back, to hold your hand

For I know just how you feel

Since you feel all that I know

Everywhere around me always

Your love continues to go

And mine continues to grow

Tuck me in and kiss me

Say goodnight slowly

Let me dream in peace

Only wake me when I’m ready

Shelter me as you see fit

And I will shelter you

Keep me from shaking

And I will hold you steady

Rock me and sing to me

Feel the rhythm

Feel the rhythm

It is you

Who plays the tune of my heart

I think of you and smile

Even when I only frown

My body is relaxed

When my muscles are worn down

Each breath I take

Each breath goes in

And rest relaxing